For the Sanctity of Figure Skating Pt. 3

October 5, 2012 § Leave a comment

I take the October edition of the LSAT tomorrow but I can’t help but think, “wwhd… on ice?” What would Harvey Specter do on ice, assuming that he knows how to figure skate really well? Asking the question presumes Gabriel Macht’s character would dress up in a suit and … skate so hard that Tonya Harding has to find him.

In a rhinestone-free, tights-free custom-tailored suit (which is probably less garish compared to the price tag), bowtie and custom-made Harlicks and fancy on fancy on extra fancy Ultima blades, Harvey would make a mockery of what was required in his skate. By that, I mean he will do a ton of axels, axel combos, backflips with a subsequent axel, all flying spins with change of foot and awesome serpentine step sequences. Then get off the ice, ask his bro Mike Ross and honorabro Donna Paulsen about who is the man and answer their questions about how they never knew he figure skated. Finally, they agree to break out the can opener to celebrate and the scene cuts out before you find out what they actually do with the can opener.

What song would Harvey skate to? Well, I’d say he skate to Ima Robot’s “Greenback Boogie” but USFSA and the judges will not have it. First, it has lyrics. Figure skating cardinal sin. Second, it drops f-bombs. Another figure skating cardinal sin. We can’t raise the younger generation to be responsible adults if they are running around the ice rink dropping f-bombs, doing Harvey-like things and boogie oogie oogie-ing on and off the ice. Their virgin ears. Their virgin minds. Nope, not a chance.

None of this. Which is too bad.

Oh, oh dear. None of this either.

Worst case scenario, the judges justify the disqualification of Harvey Specter until they figure out who they are dealing with so they don’t get served in the future. Best case scenario, just a deduction for the music violation, in which Harvey argues about that too to have that overturned. The judges may as well not worry about the music and enjoy the performance.

Probably the only setback if there was an alternate universe in which Harvey Specter knew how to figure skate is that as soon as he makes it back to the office on the next day, you can expect some homoerotic tension between him and Louis Litt. Ballet on ice, figure skating, another area in which Harvey has Louis all Litt up.

“Harvey, can’t lie, that’s pretty awesome.”

In jest and all seriousness,

thefigureskatinglawyer

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