For the Sanctity of Figure Skating Pt. 2-2

February 22, 2013 § Leave a comment

On second thought, along with not telling everyone you’re Batman, please don’t tell people you can invade their dreams. I feel terrible about banning anything Christopher Nolan/Hans Zimmer related. I also feel terrible because as a person trying to break down and teach the basics of figure skating, I’ve recently told the audience what they can’t do in figure skating more often than I’ve told them what they can do. Frankly, all I’ve done is convince everyone that Sochi, the Black Sea resort city in Russa where the 2014 Olympics will be held, rhymes with mochi and mochi sounds really good right now. I digress. I’m going to continue on and say you shouldn’t skate to any Inception music.

Mochi? Holla.

Mochi? Holla.

But why not?

Inception starring Leo DiCaprio, Marion Cotillard, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ken Watanabe, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy, Tom Berenger, and Michael Caine garnered $825.5 million dollars. Nine figures. That’s a sh*t ton of money, establishing Inception as a box-office hit. The movie also enjoyed critical success, earning excellent reviews for the most part. Why bother mentioning the obvious? Because you will have a hard time matching the emotions and standards that the actors, Nolan, and Zimmer have set by creating this film.


What do I need?

Overall, you need skating skills and industrial-grade nerves that won’t get shaken during competition. You need the charisma to be versatile in your emotions, from the seriousness of DiCaprio, the lighthearted interjections from Watanabe, the insanity of femme fatale Cotillard to the emotionally cool Gordon-Levitt in a $12,000 suit. Even if you are equipped with all these skills, it is about the execution, staying the course when everything else is collapsing.

At 4 minutes and 36 seconds, “Time” runs just long enough for an Olympic male skater’s long program. At your skating coach’s discretion, you can probably cut it down to however long you need for the level you’re skating at.

With this song, you need speed throughout your transitions and set-ups to the jumps and spins to match the range of tempo in “Time”. You need absolute precision with your jumps, whether it’s a single, double, triple or quad. Not only do you have to land it confidently, but your landing/checkout pose has to be strong. Spins? Whether you’re flying into it or not, doing one-foot or two-foot spins, center the spins, quickly get your rotations, and finish with a strong checkout pose. As for the step sequence, whether you’re doing a circular pattern, going vertically down the ice, or making a really lengthy “S” down the ice, you have to own every three-turn, bracket, rocker, twizzle and footwork pattern while exhibiting a wide array of emotion. In the end, the judges and the audience will recognize the music from Inception.  Will you, as the skater blow their minds with your interpretation of the movie and song?

Has anyone ever done it in live competition?

Aside from a few falls, France’s Brian Joubert pulls it off quite nicely. But even if Joubert skated a flawless routine at the Trophee Bompard, what would have stopped the judges from rewarding another skater like Javier Fernandez for a flawless routine with some constantly overused music? I’d say Joubert takes a bigger risk compared to someone who skates to Lux Aeterna/Requiem for a dream or Rachmaninov’s 2nd. There’s such high standards and lofty opinions about how the Hans Zimmer pieces should be performed, based on which Christopher Nolan movies they appeared. Any slight deviation from the movie or mistake is an egregious one, and frankly, fickle judging based on music isn’t how I want you to win or lose against your competitors.

If you go for it, cool. Let the  performance make it tough on the judges to decide who is better.

If you go for it, cool. Make it tough on the judges to decide who is better.

If you ultimately decide though that “Watchful Guardian”, “Time” or “Dream is Collapsing,” I hope you ace your performance. That way, the judges have one less bullsh*t reason to say you don’t deserve first place.


For the Sanctity of Figure Skating Pt. 2

September 27, 2012 § 1 Comment

We can’t let you tell everyone and the figure skating judges you’re Batman.

“I don’t know why this would be such a big deal.”

Well Luke, there’s just some things you can’t take back when you say it.


Like actually telling a friend who is a girl “Yes” when she asks if she looks fat in this dress, telling your prospective boss you have a really high collegiate GPA when you don’t, or telling everyone you’re figure skating to a very recognizable Hans Zimmer composition about Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight. Or about a spoof of Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight.

Because the Dark Knight was such a blockbuster hit, you take on the tough task of skating up against not only your opponents and the rules governing your event, but everyone else’s expectations regarding Bruce, Alfred, Lucius, Harvey, the Y So Serious dude and Jim Gordon. If your skating routine doesn’t ooze crime-fighting, Tumblers pancaking Gotham City cop cars, the Joker doing magic tricks, Harvey Dent being a felon-convicting DA, well, everyone in the rink, including the judges will be disappointed by the caped crusader’s failure on ice. In the end, your score will reflect that.

Don’t tell people you’re Batman, but in the case you do, succeed long enough on the ice to leave it a hero, and not a villain.


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